


he's better (off dead)

by hxe7s



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Fix-It, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, kind of not really, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23857870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hxe7s/pseuds/hxe7s
Summary: "i'll break both of your damn legs."
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	he's better (off dead)

**Author's Note:**

> oya oya oya? me? writing short fic? perhaps quarantine crazy has finally gotten to me too.
> 
> stay home and stay safe, guys.

it’s easier than levi expects. 

erwin’s bone snapping with a clean break under his hands (hands that you have killed countless titans with) like a thin twig, his screams muffled by the cloth levi’s gagged him with (it’s the first time you really notice how weak he’s become physically. you apologise to him silently in your head. you’ve neglected him, you promise to him it won’t ever happen again. he doesn't hear you). he tries to kick levi off with his other leg, shuddering violently when levi easily grabs it with the same strength he had with the one he’d broken just seconds prior. the chains shackled around erwin’s wrist rattle against the brick wall harshly, but levi’s not particularly worried about that. the room is insulated, in a way that can keep sound entrapped like the scarce warmth on a cold winter night. 

“don’t make this any harder for yourself,” levi murmurs, smoothing his hand gently along erwin’s trembling, unmangled leg, attempting to calm him down despite what they both know he’s about to do next. “don’t make this any harder for _us_.” 

_for me_ , he doesn’t say, because it isn’t true. 

erwin’s second leg breaks with an identical crack to his first one, his anguished cries once again silenced by the fabric in his mouth. levi runs a hand through his sweaty hair ( _greedy_ , selfish, undeserving— _you_ ), even as erwin buckles wildly, trying to throw him off. 

it isn’t true because this is far easier. far more reassuring than allowing erwin to pit himself up against death continuously, far more painless than knowing that erwin will lose his life like every other nameless, faceless soldier in the battle for the betterment of humanity. 

erwin is not just another fucking pawn who can be disposed off as a forgotten sacrifice for humanity’s advancement. erwin is better than that. erwin is the one who _leads_ humanity’s advancement, one day, levi knows with certainty, to the greatest it’ll ever be. he can’t have erwin dying a pointless death now, giving up his body and mind for an insignificant fight. for a worthless conflict that won’t even make it into children’s history books.

‘cause erwin can do the same—can lead humanity to greatness, while sitting prettily behind his extravagant office desk. he doesn’t need to _fight_ , just needs to use his brilliant brain for strategies and give encouraging speeches, which he can do under levi’s unrelenting surveillance, hidden away in his nice, sheltered office, in levi’s protection, in _safety_. and levi will kill without hesitation—will irrefutably destroy and utterly devastate anyone who even dares to suggest otherwise. 

“levi,” erwin had pleaded with him, gripping levi’s sleeve pitifully with one hand (because the other one got eaten by a titan, while _you_ hadn’t been there to prevent it from happening, levi, where were you? what was so important that you let him put himself into such a position of danger? you know you can’t protect him beyond the security of the walls, he has to stay here with you, he _has_ to—you can’t lose him like you’ve lost everyone else. he is too _different_ from them, he is _yours_ to safeguard, yours to protect, yours to take care of). levi despises the fierce stubbornness in erwin’s voice. he is not weak, not in spirit, but his body can no longer keep up, why can’t he see that? (why can’t he just see that all you’re trying to do is help him?) “you cannot stop me. you cannot keep me bed-bound like a docile pet and expect me to comply. i must go, my soldiers—our _comrades_ need me. _i_ need to be there with them. _please_.”

levi doesn’t hate that the decision had come to him easily, instead, he’s glad he finds himself committing to it so willingly ( _too_ willingly). 

better damaged than dead, he had thought, solemn as he cuffed erwin to the wall. he doesn’t listen to erwin’s begging, gags him tightly to stop the desperate pleas, afraid that if he had listened, he’d let erwin sweet talk him out of it. so the solution is simple, he doesn’t let erwin talk and he doesn’t listen to erwin’s agonising screams of pain. 

erwin doesn’t need his legs. not really. not when all he has to do is to sit, eat, and sleep. the rest levi can do for him. will do for him. because that’s what he’s here for. to protect, to serve, to treasure what he’s claimed as his. 

there’s no regret that levi feels, not when he knows erwin is safe and _alive_ , caged here in the warm and sure confines of his arms. even if he does it broken like an injured bird, wings of freedom clipped by the same soothing hands that had fed him and nursed him from the brink of death (you will never, _ever_ allow that to happen again, you hear me?). erwin can hate him, can kick at his body, can curse him to death, can call him a burden, hindrance, _anything_ , to his face, can issue a warrant for his arrest and execution (you know he won’t. you’re an irreplaceable necessity to his cause—irrevocably, you are too important to _him_. he could never bring himself to hate you with such absolution, but that doesn’t stop you from occasionally wishing to yourself that he could), can demand to never see levi ever again, but when the time comes, when erwin’s legs finish healing themselves over the course of the next few months, levi will inevitably find himself chaining a sobbing erwin back up against the wall and breaking his legs all over again. 

and again, and again, and again, and again. and every single time after that. until erwin understands him. until erwin finally understands his _pain._ until erwin finally comes to understand the increasing fear levi carries on his shoulders every time he takes a steady step towards the outside world, into the light, without looking back at levi, who waits patiently and anxiously behind him, in the shadow, for his return.

levi can’t let erwin go (you can’t let him go to death’s awaiting arms). can’t let him tread into the light, where levi could never reach him again, where levi does not have the power to protect him, to keep him safe, to ward off the harm that will undoubtedly come his way. 

better tortured than dead. 

**Author's Note:**

> i don't have emotional strength to write any more than this, so i guess less is more in this case? 
> 
> please don't romanticise this dynamic y'all.


End file.
